My confession :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
So let me be RANDOMLY SHOCKING.I had a relationship.I did.And I was not supported by my family to continue but still as a human being you know you can NEVER listen to people and you have to actually go thru shit before coming out of it?Well of course I did that!Typical, but lesson will be learned what.So doesnt matter.Well this relationship taught me on how tolerant I can be.Yes I was a total control freak at times. Cause I had to la.Situations, but I NEVER ONCE MISTREATED my partner la.I pampered and loved like nobody's business. I don't regret, I will never but I wished I pampered and loved myself instead.I lost myself in that period I had a boyfriend.Wow! I lost alot, but I thought it didnt matter cause I had a boyfriend whom I hoped I saw a future with.But it was a painful journey each time I FELL I only told myself I can work this out I can I can.But who knew what was running through the other party's mind?Cause there were too much of negative emotions and thoughts in theirs that they stopped thinking about me for the longest time.I had to ask for things which shouldnt even been asked for.It was a horrible thing to go through cause it came to a point I didnt know what I was hanging on for?But still I held on, I was devastated at the way the change was hitting me.How can a person completely change from whom they were in a short period.I was in denial. I got blamed for the change even.But if he ever took a min to sit down and ponder about how else I improved his life it would have been different.SO shit happened. Brothers had to hear about it. Things ended on the ROUGHEST note when I tried to delay the end of us, as I wanted a smooth end.See the thing is, I realised regardless of how gentle you want to be about a break, or how tactful it must be something mutual!Its of no point if here I am trying to be gentle about us going our own ways where there you are JUMPING VIOLENTLY about everything. In the end the one who wants to be soft with their decision ends up get depressed,tired, angry, sad.Thats what happened.Depression was what happened.Friends were there. Especially two who made the trip to my school to talk to me on the pretext of a surprise! LOL.But sisters started looking for out me.It was too painful cause I know I didnt deserve that.I'm not saying I was the best gf in the world but for you I was the best you can get and lose.I was. And only your family will realise that. And by family I mean people who really would know what I went through and not what they tell themselves to believe about you. Of course some 'brothers' of yours would beg to differ, but they know shit! And I mean shit man. Seriously.See I was at a low point in life, when I had to hear about my brother's friend's sister taking the plunge because of her failed love life.Affected me more than anyone could imagine.Seriously, I found myself talking to the girl who by the way is one the most beautiful girl of my age!I was literally asking her in my head, why? Why?She had an awesome family and talents, and job, and everything, so why?Couldnt accept the way 'LOVE' can affect people.Wah seriously.So I'm not for a moment gona say ohhhhhiwasossadbfwassomeansonowiamtheonetobepitied all!I am only saying, its sad. WAS SAD.That I had gone through all that when I thought love could happen to me.BUT NEVER AM I LOOKIN AT THE WORD FOR THE NEXT 3 YEARS!Cause after that I'm getting my mum to arrange marriage me off.LOL.But seriously.Yes we had our joy, we had very little of it, that was the problem.And I wasn't getting all that I deserved and he couldnt give too but it became intangible things that he couldnt give and thats when you know you have to make a decision.I WAS LOST BEYOND.Well well.AND SO, THIS IS IT.I'll never look back on your chapter.I did tell you that before? That if I make up my mind for real I will never. Yes I will have troubles getting over it la. And I did! I still do cause Singapore is fucking small, and at every corner I take I somehow see you. And it was far painful than anyone can imagine. I became less sociable, I became so selfish. All I cared about for 1 year was you, how was I to walk on when I promised you, that you will be the the only one? But what the fuck am I to do when your promise was to mistreat me as far as you can? I'll never hit that chapter again.I will never forget you too. Cause now I know what pain can be derived from love and I'll remember the pain and not get close to feeling the same in future.I wish you well, where ever you can be.Like I always said, your head's not in the right place and will not be for a few years.But if you ever clear it you might just have a good future ahead.And getting the same image you once portrayed? Nah...you really have lost it.But we all do don't we? Lost our image, our respect but we have to get it back.Earn it back.Like how you can never stop calling me names even after it all ended?Well if I was a whateveryoucalledme I would have never lasted this long with you, for the moment you went beyond your limits in the way you treated me , I would have showed you the finger and left. And if I was a whateveryoucalledme I wouldnt for a moment respected your likes and dislikes even after the first break. But damn, not worth it. Not at all.But I respected and loved not wrongly, but the wrong person.I hope you find yourself in the long future and thats the only wish I have for you forever.AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THAT.I gave you the best 20th, remember it, live with it. Cause every gift given was with love. Even the gifts my friends presented you with.Not forgetting the gift that has my signature on it. :)Goodbye now. And for the longest time.And if in future you ever hear of me being married/attached or even dating, please atleast prove me that your love was true by not approaching me or even thinking that you have the rights to question me. Its over loved one - once.I am not gona for a second say I'm perfect know, I have my flaws most definitely. But the thing is I learn from it.Even after my bros found out about my attempt at the rship AGAIN they forgive both him and I for making that blunder. I thought they were being selfish, but in actual fact I was.Or everyone were? but I didnt ask myself if I could really do this at the start? So that was the trigger really?And now, even if I want to move on it hurts. Cause I'm done for real with guys.Maybe girls now? LOL.I was kidding.I'm still homophobic thanks.But during these rough times, I still want to thank God for bringing in all my family members and friends to shower me with their love and attention.For without which I would have been in a serious state of depression.
And till this moment I would say, he was an awesome guy.
Awesome son,brother,friend,musician,vocalist, devotee ? Perhaps.
But he just coudnt be perfect and had some drawbacks in the bf part but thats all good.
We all have our flaws to repeat myself, we all do. :)
So I'm parting with heart that was once heavy but now light ? lighter? Yeah.
Love you all!
