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omnamashivaya

Monday, March 31, 2008

I am mentally exhausted.
The different emotions and feelings I've been through the last few days are over whelming.

Like from a super happy mood to something really heartbreaking.
And yet again I find myself in a very solemn mood.

It happened on last Friday where my Eldest sis, one of my super loved ones kinda told us about her father-in-law's condition.
I knew that Uncle, he was someone very nice and ready to talk to you whenever he sees you kinda person.
So we all rushed down, to see the uncle in his ward. We knew he had very little time.
And I guess we would do anything for my eldest sis and her husband who then really needed all of us.
So I went to see the uncle who was breathing with the help of an Oxygen tank. Unconscious.

It broke my heart to see my sis continue talking into the ears of her father in law.
It was painful.
'Wake up pa(dad), you told me you want to eat thosai right. Wake up pa, all of us are here,'
And she did that for a few hours, believe it or.
My sis was very close her father in law.
And then when the grandchildren arrived to visit their grandfather, my eldest sis asked the youngest one there to come and talk to his grandfather.
That sight was the major heartbreak for me.
The boy was barely 8, he went saying 'Thatta(Grandpa),wake up,play with me, thatta,Wake up!’
My eldest sis’s husband who's also one of my favourite brothers, was heartbroken, very much, and seeing him and my sis, the pillars of our family in that stage was hurting.

I left after being there for 2 hours.
I intended to come over to the hospital after my dance in the evening.
I was getting ready to leave my home to go for my class, when my look-a-like sis texted me saying Uncle has went to God.
And that feeling is really sucky, because we would have been there for the last few hours but we didnt. But yeah, the good thing was, all the Uncle's close relations were there.
Every man would want their loved ones next to them as they go.
So at night I went over to stay my look-a-like sis's house as the Uncle who passed on leaves above her house.

And the uncle's wife was really lost.
She was just keeping quiet.
Her sons were all quiet too.
My sis was the youngest daughter in law.
And she was the pillar for all of them right then.
My look-a-like sis and I went to bond with the grandchildren of the uncle.
They didnt quite understand that their grandpa was not there no more.
But we played with them, and were with them till about 1 am.

Come next day, the Uncle was due from the Mortuary.
He came to his house, and that’s when the screams, cries and wailings started.
It's bad.
Like you don't have to be closely connected to the person to feel it, but by just being, the vibrations of the place take over your feelings.
To know the feeling of lost, you might have to go through it for some.
And I knew how it felt. I did.
My eldest sister was sitting next to her father in law crying her heart out.
My look-a-like sis and I went next to her and sat with her.
We just wanted to be with her, and be there for her.
More importantly to be there paying my last respects to the Uncle.
But as I saw the uncle lying there, I realised he seemed very peaceful.
From a patient of cancer to the sufferings in his last few weeks, he looked so calm there.
Like he was going to begin life again, but this time with the Lord himself.
Even as I thought of that, I couldnt just avoid the sunken feelings. That a life has gone. And the tears didnt stop for a while then.

I personally think its so painful for the wife, as all her old friends come and sit next to her and begin wailing too, demanding to know what happened.
She just lost her love,her life, I mean its courtesy and respect you don't ask such questions then.
And I swear every old lady which walked in did the same.
First they would hug her, then cry with her, and then ask her what happen.
The first thing they did was really nice, but you just destroyed the strength you gave her by asking her for details.
Thats what I feel.

I was exhausted already. By then, the grandchildren were very much attached to my look-a-like sis and I.
They wanted us to be with them, so we brought up games from my sis's place to play with them.
And that night something happened, my sisters and I experienced it, and I guess we all knew who that was.
But yeh.
The next day was the day where preparations started early noon.
As per our custom we would have to bathe the Uncle, and dress him up in his favourite clothes before laying him in the coffin.
The casket guys were there helping out, and the place was really crowded.
So many people.

And then finally the sons and grandson had to like walk ahead before the Uncle is placed in the coffin.
It was heartbreaking, cause the sons and grandson has to like wear the Indian tradition, like a white vesti(sarong) around their waists, ith our holy ash smeared all across their body.
And the small boy had to wear that too. Bare upper torso with the vesti.
Gosh.

And then we were off to the Crematorium.
Just before that, we had the Uncle body rest under the block for the last time, and for those who wanna pay their respects before he’s put in the van which brings him to the Crematorium.
And my sis and her husband, broke down and it was the worst they have had.
Seeing my sis in that state was so heartbreaking.
Then suddenly one of the grandchild , this girl, realised that her grandfather’s going away for good.

And she started screaming, ‘NOOOO!! Grandpa!!!!’
And she did that for 10 mins, while all the grandchildren were asked to go round the van where their grandfather is for 3 rounds.
She screamed and cried, and omg, I brokedown bad.
She kept asking her grandfather not to leave her, and my sis was on her wits too.
It was painful.Very much painful.
And after that, the girl didn’t allow anyone to touch her, but she came to me and hugged me.
That feeling is really helpless.
Its like you cannot do anything but hug that girl.

And then we were off to the crematorium by the transport.
Was my first time, and it was an unusual experience for me.
All the way there, they played the Lord Shiva’s songs/mantras.
As we believe he is the one who’ll take us back. And all I did was to chant along, asking for the Uncle’s soul to rest in peace.
And then, all of us gathered in the hall, for the last rituals. Where the youngest/last son has to do the last rites. And that was my eldest sis’s husband. It was sad, but for the final time, we all went round the Uncle body in the hall, and as I took a last look at him,he looked like a King in his attire.
He did.
He was going to off like a King too.

In our tradition, is such that the last son of the deceased if it’s the mum/dad who passed away, that he should walk around the body with a clay pot on his shoulder filled with water and the casket people will break a hole in that pot in every round. So by the third round all the water will be spilled on the floor. The last son has to do this with all the other sons/grandsons but only he has leave the hall without taking a last look.

So my brother actually couldn’t come with us to the place where we can watch how the Uncle’s body is sent to the place where it'll be reduced to ashes. But his other brothers could.
And I really wanted everyone to chant our Lord Shiva’s mantra. But I just couldn’t like brave up to request that.
But thankfully, my eldest Uncle, started chanting, ‘Siva Siva’, and the crowd in the hall all followed.

My eldest sis, couldn’t bear and it and while the Uncle’s body moved on the automatic stretcher, she cried into the shoulders of one of my aunt.
And we were all requested not to cry but to chant along.

As ya’ll may notice I did use the term Uncle’s body and all. Not out of disrespect.
Only because, we believe that the16 days from his death day, he’ll still be around.
And so, his soul remains here meanwhile.

But yeah, we all know the Uncle will be reaching God soon, his soul that is, and he’s at peace now.

It’s a hard thing facing situations like these, funerals and all.
As much as we cannot answer why this happens, we know we have to go back where we initially came from, and that’s God.
As much as its going to hurt, there’ll still be tears and sadness but we will have to know that no one can take care of us like how the Lord does.

And even in this period, there are selfish, heartless people who don’t quite get the situation of ‘life and death’, it may sound stupid that I used it .But it is Life and Death.
If that’s nothing, then you seriously are nothing .Nothing valuable.
Mean people aren’t born mean, but there’ll come a time where I’m sure they’ll face a worse situation.
Or on second thoughts I would want them to.
Cause your nothing if you don’t realise the worth of a life.

P/s : On a lighter note, I might blog soon . :)

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