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hospital

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Its been a while.
Many things been happening.But something which I learnt from the things which happened is that I’m not really very strong.
I’m not.
I still remember this letter written to me by an ex school mate of mine.
He said this in his letter, “ Shahl, sometimes you remind me of my mum, she always keeps her sorrows inside and is always cheerful on the outside.”
And I smiled while reading this, not because I’m proud to be a person like this, but the fact that its not easy to be that kinda person.

And some ask, why the hell I don’t tell things to everyone then.
But the simple answer is I fear.
I really do.
What if sub-consciously, I expect all the people I share my problems with to be there for me all the time?
I wouldn’t want that consciously. And so everytime I think of telling my friends something tragic which happened. I think many many times before telling.

Even for the case of my friend who’s always been there for me, Juen.
I thought and thought many times if I should tell her that my mum’s been hospitalized.
Yep, my mum is.
And don’t ask me more.

But we went down to the hospital on Sunday afternoon. My mum was really in such unbearable pain. And it pained me to see her in that state.
And so we rushed down, and even then I felt God was even testing us in that crucial moment, cause not an empty cab came along!
And after about 15 mins, the taxi came.
And the trip all the way to KK hospital got me thinking and crying.
About how the people around me actually think that I’m problem-less.
I’m not. I really am not.

I have so many things going on in my head that sometimes I wish I had a pensieve.
To store all my thoughts inside. I wish I had a pill which can make me sleep and wake up to find things back to normal.
And sometimes I really really wonder whats the difference of being alive and dead?
Ya kkkk, enough emoinggg.

When we finally reached the A&E, we had to wait for about 20 mins before my mum could consult the doctor. And she was brought in for a jap and also got her blood tested.So, I was sitting and just waiting for her to come out, where I realised most of the patients were crying.And then suddenly the whole aura of pain and all affected me.I couldn’t stand it.
It was very very sad to see them all crying and not able to have someone there with them.There was this European woman, she was making many sounds out of irritance every now and then.
But afterwhile, it was time for her to collect her prescriptions and she was tearing.
And seeing that I got so upset.So my mum was cleared, she was allowed to go home cause she had a jap to stop her symptoms of menopause.
And so, I walked out , with a sigh of relief that she didn’t have to be admitted.
But while walking out I saw that European lady again! This time she was really losing it, she was crying so hard. And I couldn’t just walk pass her could I?
So I went up to her, and asked her if she’s okay.
And she nodded her head, and I tell her not to worry and things are going to be fine and she looks at me and says thanks.
And in the eyes, I saw her sincerity when she said thanks even while crying.
Simple because, sometimes, all we need is hope.

And then my mum came out from the A&E and she saw the European lady , and then it was her turn to go talk to her, despite her crying herself from her pain.
Yeah and then we cabbed back home.
And although I was glad she was admitted, I had this feeling in me, that I had to get rid off.
And thankfully enough, Arun smses me. J

And so, according to the doctor my mum should be fine after the injection but come this morning, she was in tears from all the pain and so I had to rush down again to the hospital. And this time, we had to wait for about an hour plus to finally consult the doctor.I couldn’t go in with my mum to see the doctor and she came out with the news that she has to be admitted to have some operation.And for a moment I just stoned.Cause I didn’t know how to react.

So I called one by one, my dad, my bro, my aunts, uncles, and finally down to my cousins and friends. Ok maybe, friend.
And that’s Juen first.
I really did wish I had either Juen or Amy then by my side, cause I would have atleast felt composedAnd maybe just a hug would have made me feel better.
But no I was lost every now and then.
It sucks.
The whole going-to-the-hospital things totally sucks.
However I do know of a person, or should I say DON, who loves going down to hospitals.
Weird one that Diamond.
HAHA.

By then it was 2 pm before we went up to my mum’s ward, and at 3.30 my brother joined me after taking time off from camp and shortly later my dad came.
So I went to have lunch with bro and the food was sick lah.
Yeah, afterwhich I went up to see my mum again, and we left before my mum went for her operation.

And I have to say thanks to Diamond who called me, cause somehow the whole operation thing got pushed to the back of my mind. And that’s the max I can do to not and think about something.
So thanks Diamond, for calling and cracking me up .
And when he came to know my mum was admitted he asked me this, “ Should I comeee?” like he was dragging the whole thing and it was so damn cute, I started laughing. But yeah, its ok DON, you don’t have to.
HAHA.
My bro and I left the hospital at 5 pm, took 980 to Sembawang and from there 962 home.Journey took an hour plus.
While going home, Arun smsed me, and yeah I told him about my mum.
Thanks for your concern. Mean a lot.

My mum called like at 8pm, she said that, she just had her operation and her womb is cleaned and all.Its really painful thou.
Yeah she’ll be fine.

Thanks Sam for offering to come down.
J
Sam’s mum called me earlier, to ask me where her daughter was. But yeah, I didn’t know, so I just received a call from her again and lost child is back home.
Her mum kinda told me about how to improve my mum’s problems.
Thanks Sam and to your mummy as well.

I’m fine. I’m just hoping my mum comes back home tomorrow, and things can go back to normal, we have many family occasions coming up and she has to be feeling good for all of them.

I blogged it off.I’m feeling much better now!
Yay, and I love Amy’s post.
Check it out, www.lets-get-crunk.blogspot.com
Made me tear but it was damn nice.
And I know I do have you bro.
Always will remember that.

Its my poly-posting tomorrow, probably at 8 am. I’m going down to the temple tomorrow thou, like at 7.30 am cause its my grandma’s 3rd year anniversary since she left me.
Yep, so afterwhich, I’ll meet Juen and head down to KK once again to visit my mum.
Thanks JUEN!

I really hope to get into a good course.

Juen and I went to Bugis the other day. Yep, again.
And we were so bored and we got the idea from Arun to take neoprints.
I was talking to him while shopping with Juen, and I asked him what I can do seeing as it was raining cats and dogs.
And so he suggested neoprints, and I told Juen and she got so wacky.
Haha, and yeh we took neoprints.

For Amy love.
And it says, "Love you Amy."

And he said, " I love you, I love you k."

I'm out.
And Diamond, you'll be gooooood!